Working On Me

Reading Level: Grade 4

One thing I know I need to work on is my forgiving heart. I forgive so much sometimes that it hurts me. You see, I generally want to believe that people are good. That, everybody is my friend or at least wants to be. I know I am not perfect, but I am a nice person. I treat people the way I want to be treated; for that, I believe the Universe will send people to me to treat me right. I know EXACTLY how that sounds: like I am the biggest fool ever born, right? LOL, well, in some ways I really am.

The only person I don’t forgive… the only person that I won’t forgive… is myself. When I miss the mark that I have set for myself and done something that I know is wrong, I always find it hard to forgive myself. I find it even harder to move on from the offense and rebuild my life.

In the spirit of complete and total transparency, I always forgive people. Sometimes, I forgive them when they deserve it; most times I forgive them when they don’t deserve it. I’d like to think that’s because I have done so many bad things in my life. Things that I honestly felt like God would never forgive me for doing. Things that I am almost ashamed to speak about, even in my own mind. Then one day, God came to me in a dream and gave me clarity on the issue. This clarity reminded me that I can be forgiven of anything and everything that I have done in my past if I simply ask for it.

Before getting to this point of clarity, I have honestly thought that God would never forgive me for sleeping with my “best friend’s boyfriend”. Well, she wasn’t my best friend at the time, but she was generally a nice person. A great person, in fact. I did her SO wrong. More wrong than I have ever done anyone in my life. More wrong than I ever deserve to be forgiven for. In my own defense, I was in love. In love with someone who publically belonged to someone else. However, that was no excuse. I was a terrible person. Back then I didn’t forgive anyone. I would hold a grudge like a Sicilian Mob Boss. Once you crossed me once, you damn sure didn’t get to cross me twice. It was a long, dark, winding road for me to find my way back to the light of forgiveness; but once I did, everything in my life changed.

After I found Jesus (again), I realized that I needed to forgive everyone, even those who didn’t ask for forgiveness. Forgiving them was the only way for me to find peace within myself. That peace has been the most precious thing in my life these last couple of years. And after a lifetime filled with heartache and pain, I can finally hold my head up high and breathe a sigh of relief. I look at things differently. I look at myself differently. Having to pick yourself up from “rock bottom” and start over again can have that effect on you. And, I know it was Jesus that made all the difference.

Now, how I found my way back to Jesus (again), well… that’s a conversation for another blog…